THE PUBLIC EYE
One of the simple pleasures of life is getting a haircut. It’s not just the haircut process itself, which is fine as it is, but that once every six to eight weeks, your calendar will show, “8:30-9:15 a.m., the world revolves around me.”
Obviously, a hairdresser or barber cannot cut two heads of hair at the same time, so for the time you are in the chair, you are it, the center of the universe, the focal point, the main man, the big cheese.
You also learn things, which I did just this week from Robin, my haircutter, who informed me — after we reviewed national politics, affairs of business and industry and whether Lassie the dog was smart or just acting — that they make Spanx for men.
As it happens, I didn’t even know what a Spanx is or are, as the case may be, but as it turns out they are (or it is) support garments for men who are, amazingly enough, actually aware of their appearances.
This came as a shock, having believed all my life that having difficulty fastening the middle button of a sport coat was not only a man’s prerogative, but also a fashion circumstance to which all men aspire. This is not to mention that it is required dress at many firemen’s dinners.
After all, ever since the dawn of the human era, most women have prized security, so a male whose meals obviously consist of nuts and berries would be less desirable than someone whose hunting and gathering is done primarily at Harris Teeter.
But it turns out that times have changed and that a great many men want to be, “Cool, Comfortable and Contained.” While I can understand there are circumstances when an uncontained man might be disconcerting — in an elevator, for instance — I don’t think it should apply to everything.
This isn’t just about the abdominal region, or single ab, as I like to call it, but other areas as well, since Spanx for men also have “Zoned Performance Compression” styles, which is to say, pressed ham.
In addition, some men apparently really do worry about having their mothers’ thighs and have turned to “Cotton Compression Comfort Briefs/Boxers” to reassert their manly control and, possibly, to firm up that which is not.
From my personal perspective, I would suggest that the best way to present a great rear view is to fill out that tent with a big, fat wallet.
But even worse, in the course of my research on Spanx so I could write this, I have discovered the existence of “Mantyhose,” which are blessed with a “high-end comfort panel.”
I don’t think so. Then again, I could be wrong again. I’ll have to ask the next time I’m the center of the universe.
