The Public Eye

Ah, the holidays. Great feasts, goodwill and a host of celebrity psychologists telling us how to attend our family gatherings without planting a meat fork in granny's forehead.

Not until the last year or so did I realize how stressful the holidays are, but thanks to the seasonal onslaught of these advice givers, I now accept that I was wrong all those years when I thought I had a good time.

Curiously, for a country that professes to support family values, it's apparent that we must be supporting the values of someone else's family when ours are so screwy that we need psychological help to have dinner with them.

The problem isn't that we need to understand the various aspects of family dynamics, as these advice givers recommend, but that we feel it's necessary during the holidays to be nicer than we really are. That's what makes it difficult.

Consider all the tactful and polite ways we are now supposed to employ to counter embarrassing situations. For instance, Aunt Polly goes on and on about the time when you were six and Ralph the family retriever suddenly decided that you were his object of desire.

Rather than squirm during the telling or say, "Heh, heh, that was a long time ago, thanks for reminding me," you offer a cheerful, "Pound sand, Aunt Polly." Not only would that address the current situation, but any possible future associations with Aunt Polly as well.

The fact is we are being counseled into a state of extreme avoidance rather than dealing with the problem head on. Consider this advice from a real-life family therapist:

"Aunt Polly is telling the same, boring 30-minute tale she's been telling since 1978. Now, you can either allow your blood to boil or you can look at it from Aunt Polly's point of view and try to understand that she might be lonely, forgetful or is shy and only likes talking at family gatherings."

The obvious answer is much simpler. In the middle of her delivery, say, "This is fascinating, Aunt Polly, but tell us about your lifelong fantasy of being held captive in a Spanish prison."

Another stress highlight cited by holiday psychologists is sibling rivalry. Say your siblings do not get along and their bickering makes you crazy. Advisors say try to be as festive, gracious and understanding as possible as it may influence them as well.

I say redirect their jealousies by suddenly shouting, "Hey, everyone, Grandma just said she's leaving everything to me."

In the most popular example, your parents still treat you like a child at family gatherings. Advisors say we should accept that the situation is only temporary and that your parents are attempting to relive some of the magic moments in their lives.

I say this is a great opportunity to amuse everyone by being immature and adult at the same time: "Hey, everyone, who wants to see me do a shot of tequila through my nose?"

I never had a big problem with holiday stress and the family because I always established up front who I was going to pick on, thus redirecting any possible attempt to pick on me.

"Hey, Aunt Polly, did you just make a funny noise?"