The Public Eye

As storms go, the two-day wind fiesta of last week wasn't all that bad. Sure, it ate a fair amount of the beach and some flooding occurred - according to Demoflush, which estimates population based on wastewater flow, we had just shy of 40 million people in town last Thursday - but it wasn't what you would call terrible.

Unfortunately, there is no handy method to qualify the meanness of a nor'easter the way the category system does for hurricanes. I suppose you could say it registered a 10 or 11 on the Beaufort Scale, which measures wind speed, but that means as much to most people as saying a storm registers the sixth hole on a harmonica. To put it in the vernacular, it don't mean nothin'.

So here are some ways to know when a storm is bad, pretty bad and really bad.

Bad Storm

1. There's a high tide mark on your dog.

2. Your car won't start because there's a fish in the tailpipe.

3. You have to chase the sport clammers out of your front yard.

4. You charge for rides on your lawnmower because it shoots out a rooster tail like the Sea Rocket.

5. You're cited by the police for boogie boarding in the bus lane.

Pretty Bad Storm

1. You see a sign on 14th Street that says, "Caution. Rip Tides."

2. You ignore it and wake up in Virginia.

3. Your insurance company changes the classification of your crawl space to indoor pool.

4. You're cited by the building inspector for not having a permit for the pool.

5. Seagulls are working a school of bait inside Ace Hardware.

Really Bad Storm

1. There's a bluefish blitz in your bedroom.

2. People with metal detectors are looking for coins on your roof.

3. You miss the rip tide sign but it's okay because you always wanted to go to Scotland.

4. A classified ad runs seeking applicants for the new Whaleyville Beach Patrol.

5. You need a Coast Guard-certified recliner.