The Public Eye

It's sad. Apparently, newspapers have fallen on such hard times that they have been downgraded on the fraud index. It used to be that a rip-off ad wouldn't see the light of day unless it was at least a quarter of a page, and promised something attractive like, "Invest Now: Botswana Silk Worm Ranch."

But now, we are suffering the humiliation of having been downsized by these malarkey merchants who evidently believe that we can be bought with a lousy classified. The ignominy of it all.

This is not to belittle those longtime favorite revenue-producing classifieds, "Make Money at Home" or the more vital medical alert, "Suffer No More from Pin Worms."

I am happy to report, however, that small papers aren't suffering like the big boys and therefore are not inclined to celebrate when the classified department gets an unsolicited order for, "Get Yours Now: Togo Mint Offers Uncirculated Coins Honoring Tony Orlando and Dawn."

Spotting a fake classified, however, isn't as easy as it might sound. Take this one for example that found its way into my email:

"Dear Sir(s). Hallo. My name is Irigawana Ngutwrench and have bulldogs I like sale cheap newspaper yours. How cost much classified three time? Credit card charge for me. Bonjour and sunnyside up day for you."

Call me suspicious, but this just didn't sound right for some reason. Then there was the matter of the credit card information, even though it might be entirely possible that MasterCard does have some kind of an arrangement with the Imperial Navy of Zimbabwe, which, as far as I know, is landlocked.

I'm sure, however, that someone in the greater publishing world might not have as keen an eye as our classified department and would seize this opportunity to gain a new client. Obviously, someone has, or else these scoundrels would have realized long ago that selling nonexistent bulldogs might not be as good a scheme as they thought.

After all, why buy an invisible bulldog, when there are so many people in Nigeria willing to pay us 40 percent on the $20 million they need to get out of the country by wiring it to our bank accounts, if only we would send them our account numbers?

Then again, times are tough and maybe the $20 million was invested in bulldogs at home. In the meantime, my advice to these fake advertisers is this: think bigger.