It's an insidious television remote plot against men
Health care reform, the national budget deficit, the trade imbalance and the heartbreak of childhood pinworm infestations — all serious issues to be sure, but there exists another growing social problem of potentially catastrophic proportions that has yet to be addressed.
Why is it, you might ask, that a nation that has conquered near space, that can collide subatomic particles in the quest for endless energy and has made large gatherings safer through the invention of Bean-o cannot resolve this psychologically threatening situation: Remote Dependency/Conflict Syndrome (RCDS).
Generally unrecognized by the scientific community, it is nevertheless accepted that the genetic code of men forces them to see the television remote as an appendage. In fact, men deprived of the remote by unsympathetic wives or girlfriends have experienced something similar to phantom limb pain, only in this case it's Phantom Remote Pain. Men suffering from this mental and physical disconnect are easily identified by thumbs that punch at the air and incessant cursing that the batteries must need changing.
It is also believed by some that Eve took a bite of the apple as a ruse to get Adam to drop the remote, even though television was obviously in its infancy back then and the only thing on was a rudimentary version of ESPN SportsCenter that had just one highlight: Cain 1, Abel 0.
Back in the present, however, the condition known as RCDS developed as real man shows — Westerns, Cop Dramas, Roller Derby — were replaced by "reality" programming.
With the exception of Mythbusters, where things are blown up with satisfying regularity, the absence of acceptably semi-violent programming has rendered many men useless to society by forcing them to decide between "Dancing with the Stars" or "Pastry Chef Cook-off."
What I mean to say is, that while it might be mildly interesting to see who can create the best replica of the Eiffel Tower out of mini-marshmallows, it would be much more compelling from the male point of view if the winning entry got blown up at the end. Or if part of the competition involved kickboxing.
It is obvious to some of us that the television industry's desire to save money by replacing episodic programming with cheap reality shows is not the real impetus behind this shift. It's a plot to strip men of their masculinity by going against their genetic composition, transferring the remote to women and thus destabilizing the nation.
Who do I think is behind this, aside from women who refuse to accept that the "Bassmasters Elite Series" is also reality programming? All I can say is that my remote was made in China.
