The Public Eye

With Seacrets, the massive and mazelike entertainment emporium, turning 21 years old next Monday, it occurs to me that while it keeps racking up the birthdays, some of us might have lost a few there.

There have been certain episodes over the past couple of decades when maybe, just maybe, some of us opted for more fun as opposed to a longer, healthier and, undoubtedly, a more boring life.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but you know you have had too much fun when you order a Red Stripe and it comes out, "I'll have a Red Strriiiiiiiii……"

If there is one thing I have learned over the years, it is that omitting the "P" is a sure sign of trouble and that the key to moderation is to stop when your "P" is no longer operative. Obviously, there are drawbacks to this approach, as not everyone will understand when you are asked how you are doing and you reply, "I still have my 'P.'"

But I digress. When Seacrets first opened it was so small that my first thought was that Leighton Moore had to be the coolest guy on the planet because he was the only one I knew who had a duck blind with its very own liquor license.

Much, of course, has changed since then. As a matter of fact, just a couple of weeks ago I was headed up to the club's Irie Radio station for a little conversation with the morning guys, Dude and Bulldog, and realized as I wandered hopelessly through bewildering passageways that I might run out of food and water before I found it.

I have since found a better way to get from point A to point B, but it might be appropriate to issue new visitors a tracking collar just to keep the hallways free of the dusty carcasses of those who tried and failed to find the magic door.

So finally, let's borrow from David Letterman and do the top 10 indicators of how big Seacrets is as it turns 21.

10. Will end trouble in Afghanistan and Pakistan by offering jobs as bus boys to all members of the Taliban.

9. Jon and Kate Plus 8 went in and came out as Kate Plus 8 Minus Jon.

8. Elvis is not dead but moved there and no one can find him.

7. If you want to end a relationship easily, just say, "I'll meet you back at the bar," without saying which one.

6. Invited Luxembourg for a sleepover.

5. Sits on two-thirds of the country's natural gas reserves.

4. Offered sanctuary to all Iranian dissidents.

3. Has room for Rosie O'Donnell.

2. Has its own "No Child Left Behind" policy.

And the number one indicator of how big Seacrets is:

Seacrets is so big that California has called it for bailout money.