The way I see it, Ocean City’s new Fire Chief Chris Larmore owes us money. Sure, everyone thinks he’s doing an honorable thing by insisting on and receiving an annual paycheck of $1, but no one has bothered to analyze the true nature of what’s happening.
Admittedly, I would feel more comfortable if my observations were backed up by a $25,000 study of the chief’s pay, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say he should be getting at least a dollar-fifty.
Here’s my reasoning: the chief gets a gross paycheck of $1, which, if paid out every two weeks, comes to 3.846 cents each pay period. Of that total, let’s say his federal tax withholding is 15 percent, which leaves him 3.269 cents. His state withholding is going to take a bite of around another 5 percent, so now he’s down to 3.07 cents.
Social Security and Medicare taxes will eat up almost 8 cents annually, giving him a net pay — at this point — of 2.769 cents.
Fine, you say, we’re all coming out ahead here, and the chief still has 2.769 cents to throw around like there’s no tomorrow and boost the local economy. But wait, there’s more.
Looking at my own pay stub, I figure he’s still going to have to pay Worcester County’s piggyback tax, some kind of co-pay on his health insurance, a little bit of liability insurance, disability insurance, some dental insurance and, the way things are going these days, probably a fuel surcharge for the amount of heating oil the city has to use so the payroll people don’t freeze their fingers off while they’re counting all his money.
Factoring in these deductions, I estimate that the chief will officially make minus 7 cents a year, providing that he doesn’t get direct deposit, which is going to cost him another couple of cents.
So, let’s say he is now netting minus 9 cents a year, which means he ought to be paying us almost 10 cents to hold this post. That’s 10 percent of his pay, which, if he was being paid like every other department head, would mean that he would owe us somewhere in the neighborhood of $12,500.
Clearly, this man is outsmarting us.
But if he were being paid, say, $1.50, he’d still be on the plus side of the column at the end of the year and wouldn’t owe us anything, as he would still have 40 cents left to go out and splurge, thus stimulating the economy, creating jobs and, obviously, boosting newspaper advertising sales.
While I applaud his refusal of a larger paycheck, I’m concerned that he’s setting a bad example for other government employees, who might follow his example and work for nothing or worse.
I mean, if this thing catches on, the next thing you know the spirit of one-upmanship would rear its ugly head and people would be asking to be paid in fresh produce and chickens.
And you thought government needed cleaning up now.